Hi everyone, sorry I have not updated in a while I have been all over the shop with this, I did end up in hospital following an OD of diazepam I bought off my now deceased ex dealer - died in a drink driving accident a couple of months ago. So I can't get them anymore but man I so desperately needed to get mashed and knock myself out my brain has been working over time.

Stupid I know, it was not to kill myself and they got that so just sent me on my way a couple of days later. I still refrained from smoking though, they let me out last Thursday. On the Friday I went away for a choir residential and still stayed away from the cigs and weed. It took everything out of me though not for quitting just the experience of being with people and socialising so on Monday I gave in and bought a bag of weed and spent the next couple of days stoned which I am so frustrated and angry about because it was blissful to be out of it. On Wednesday I stopped again and so far not given into my cravings since so I have not given up giving up and only two days ops so far out of 13.

I am however at the point of crazies again, my back hurts, I'm constantly clammy with sweat even though I'm cold, I'm unsettled, can't concentrate my thoughts travelling faster than I can make sense of it. My dreams when I can sleep are utterly extreme and vivid I'm waking up shattered and frankly freaked out by the dreams contents. I don't understand because there is not meant to be any physical dependence on weed only psychological but my body it freaking out, I'm freaking out.

All I can think about is what other way I could mess myself up but the only other drug my new dealer offers is coke and I'm not that fussed about that as that's a party drug and need other people to feel the full effects and that would not slow me down. Seeing as I now live the life of a hermit that is no use to me.

I have looked up herbal remedies but the Internet does not give you real knock out herbal cures only stuff like bach's remedy or calamine which lets face it is useless. How is it on tv they can knock people out with plants but nothing I could find comes anything close to it.

I wish my update was better, I'm staying away from booze as is dangerous to me in this mood. Im proper struggling though.