I hope you'll wait this out. 12mg Ativan / day sounds like way too much. Benzos can make you more depressed. It's very hard for me to watch you want to take your life, I care about you. You are grieving, I know I'd be planning the same if in your position. But please wait it out, you are not on the right meds in my opinion, and you still have things to do on this planet.