I'm sorry that that happened to you. I know that can happen because not only is it happening to me now, but it's happened to me before. I'm sometimes overtrusting with individuals that end up being dangerous in the end. That is part of the scenario that goes along with PTSD sometimes, but can also be rooted in deeper issues related to how your original experiences formed you to not have the self-protective mechanisms in place.

For me, unfortunately, since my mother was terribly cold and my father absent, I never really learned certain things that normal development requires to make sure that you have the right kinds of defenses up to protect yourself. This had lead to me being prone to more dangerous situations, including multiple rapes and molestations, mostly by people that I knew and thought were trust-worthy. I tend to have a "freeze" response so I didn't fight these assaults. And I've suffered as a consequence because I didn't tell anyone, ashamed and feeling that I was at fault.

Now I know better, but it's taken lots of work on myself both in therapy and just my own reading and writing to come to terms with how my original development was so harsh and neglectful that I ended up being more prone to these sorts of experiences that would later on result in complex PTSD.

In this particular case, since I am relatively unsymptomatic now, I'm fighting back against it more than I did before. I also had to quit a job, as a professor at Berkeley, when there was a cloud over my head and the PTSD symptoms were first really making an impact.

But this time, I am raising the issue of slander directly, both with the Program Director and the outside investigator. If the University doesn't act on this potentially serious allegation, I will probably quit and then turn around and sue them.

There is case that my shrink told me about, where a student, who had a psychotic break at Stanford, later on applied to the medical school. His undergraduate advisor was on the selection committee. He successfully sued for all of the earnings that he would have made as a doctor if he had been admitted to Stanford.

My shrink said that case was so significant that he thought my current University program was worried that I might do something like that if they took drastic action. I never threatened any legal actions, but now it is in my mind because I'm now 50 and my husband is 87. This is my last chance to have a career that will provide for me because though my husband is quite healthy, I have to acknowledge the fact that he isn't going to live much longer. My only income now is a small disability check. There's no way that I could survive on my own unless I have a chance to finish my training and establish my own career.

If the University does something drastic, I won't be able to pursue my career path of becoming a therapist because no one else will accept me if my record is bad from there.

So this is a big deal. It's weighing heavily on my mind. I still can't get my concentration back so I can study for the week ahead. And I'm starting to get angry at the whole thing. I didn't really do anything wrong. It's not really my fault that I have PTSD, was triggered and so when I took the medication I wrote something sexual that I didn't really have much control over.