over the past two-three weeks(i think) i have been cutting everyday. i keep doing it. i partly have no idea why i do it, but i MAKE myself si...at least a little bit as long as it draws blood. i really wish i didn't force myself to do it. even the nights when i am tired and really don't want to hurt myself, i still do it. i have to do it. maybe it's because i want to prove something to myself and others. doing it somehow increases my self esteem. i feel strong when i do a "good" job of cutting myself, even if they are weak and superficial. it's like if i don't do it for a day,then i would be proving to myself and others that i am really weak and don't deserve help if/when i choose to get it. i also feel that if i stop or do it too shallow then people will be disappointed with me. i am not as good as i want to be in certain areas of my life such as my soccer skills, so si is a way too deal with and counter those feelings. i may suck at soccer but i don't suck at si....much. i have also been purposely trying to trigger myself into cutting by looking up graphic si photos on my phone. i know it's bad, but it helps me a little to get in the mood.

thanks for reading this ! it means a lot to me...even if y'all don't reply

--Sam