Well, I suspect you posted here because you are rightly concerned about your feelings. I find that even watching a lot of police shows or reading a lot of vivid mystery books can bring me down. I try to find ways of dealing with this issue by sometimes finding a "diet" of healthier things on TV to watch or funnier/good-side-of-life books to read.

But here you are, day after day, exposed to the worst, seamiest side of life. It would be enough to make anyone depressed. And it seems like you are heading toward a dangerous level of depression, if you are beginning to think you wouldn't mind dying.

There are several things I suggest that will help you begin to find ways to counteract these experiences: 1) Regular police officers have their fellow police members to talk to and even to joke with. They have to do that. No healthy person can just deal with this stuff on their own. Do you have anyone else you can talk to who would understand? Maybe some other security folks? Friends who deal with seamy situations in their jobs? If not, then intentionally start seeking them out; 2) When you aren't working, look for positive aspects in life. Go out and have some fun. Watch sports you enjoy on TV. Watch comedies. Look for jokes and funny stories. Try to be around people who represent more of the decent side of life; 3) Find a therapist or counselor (or if you are religious, perhaps a clergy person) to talk to, so you can share your understandable reactions. Remember that police departments have such contacts if their officers have something tough to deal with. It's nothing to be upset about. Again, you are showing that you are a healthy, normal guy for finding these terrible aspects of life difficult as a regular diet; 4) Of course, another option would be to try to find a different line of work, but I don't know how practical that is, given our economy and the job market. But, of course, it wouldn't hurt to keep your eyes open to other possibilities.

I hope these ideas will help. If you get to the point where you are ready to take your life by active means, then please call a crisis center. These scum bugs are not worth losing your life over. Okay?