I saw pieces of a children's play house in the back of a truck today. It seemed to hit me out of nowhere. I stared at the toy and imagined it in my back yard.

How different would my life be if my children had lived? I don't know if I'd have the same friends. Would I have my cats? I could see the minivan I would be driving and the terrible disney music I'd be playing for Savannah. She would be 4 years old already. David and Alex would be 7. I might be a soccer Mom already. I would be sending cloths, toys and utensils to my niece.

All this flashed through my mind so fast. I wonder if I would be happy? Would I be one of those Mom's with regrets who is sad because she's never content?

Does that mean I was destined to be unhappy? I used to get excited over the smallest things. I could enjoy a rainbow, wildlife, Christmas lights and now I don't feel the same spark. Maybe I would have been happy. I had other problems though.

I get like this from time to time. Suddenly I can't imagine myself as anything other than a Mother. I have selective amnesia. I know I don't have kids but the images are so real it's like that is my life. It's not my life. I rely on my husband, my pets and my friends to help me find fulfillment. People shouldn't rely on their kids to find fulfillment anyway. I just would have liked the opportunity to learn that the hard way.

I'd have liked to go through all those questions about my abilities and hope that I was doing well by my kids. Would I have been a good Mom? Would I be too strict or too lenient? How would I look if I spent years putting their every need first? My closet wouldn't be full of nice cloths but Mom jeans and t-shirts.

How many times did my DH lose his leave dates to a family man who needed to travel so his kids could spend time with their grand parents? How would he be? We'd probably still be going to church every Sunday. He would still like Christians. His Dad would probably like him because of that. His best friend wouldn't feel the need to pray for him.

We would be annoying as **** to people who have issues with God. I can see myself now spouting platitudes and thinking I could convince an atheist to love and embrace Jesus. I don't think I would have been that bad because I wasn't that bad before the babies were born but I wouldn't have liked the me that I am now because I have issues with God and with 99% of the super Christians.

We would have been middle-class Americans with a minivan who go to church and talk to all the other parents who go to school with our kids. I bet I never would have known how amazing that is. I never could have recognized that is a dream come true.

So I have to wonder if I've got an amazing life right now. Because of what I've been through can I not see how wonderful my life is? I recognize wonderful things in it but I still get sad. How could I not get sad?