Oh, you make sense, actually I needed to hear it because I have not been the caregiver with my parents, my sister has. She is older than me and has always been the one to "take over and control" and have things go "her way". The problem is that she can get "dramatic" and she can also see things "her way" which are not always the reality. When I experienced PTS because of suddenly having to deal with so much loss all of a sudden, I got so I just couldn't function and ended up in a psychward. I went in begging for rest and grief counceling and instead I was just further tramatized. My sister came to visit me, would not listen to me about how I was not getting the treatment I needed, she just yelled at me to "get my act together" and told me I would lose everything including my marriage if I didn't. She said everyone was angry at me. Well, that is not how you treat someone experiencing PTS and I was kept in that psychward for 9 days and it was horrible. Plus my sister's attitude towards me also resulted in the staff at the psychward to not take me seriously so even though I was expressing all the red flags, can be read in my records, they overlooked everything and were actually cold towards me.

Even when I finally got out, my family was so mean to me and made me feel guilty for struggling with the pain and anger. So I went further into depression, and guilt because I could not seem to "just" somehow. I ended up with full blown PTSD and once I finally got the right therapist to explain it to me, I got so I could not even hear my sister's voice I felt so betrayed because I was punished for something I could not help.

For two years I could not talk to my sister at all and I could not go near the situation "she" was controlling with my parents. Here and there were messages of "you are going to regret" because I could not go to Holiday functions at my sisters house, something else she always had to have "her" way. Every holiday was sheer pain for me because everyone was so "angry" with me and began to shun me. I basically ended up in bed in so much pain it felt like my brain was being literally squeezed.

I spent alot of time at PC trying very hard to figure out how to find "me" again tbh.
I kept learning about PTSD and I focused on mostly helping others, tapping onto that old me that used to be so strong and outgoing. It got to be so it was the only place I could do that too. My IRL situation was very strained and often very cold. For a while many of my posts here were somewhat racing, almost like I was running and searching inside my mind to get a "hold of me" somehow. At PC, at least there were others that knew the challenge of PTSD, IRL the only one I had was a T I had eventually found that began to help me.

For a while I was so bad I had to take Klonopin so I could manage the bad situation I had IRL and be able to function. I have my own small business to run along with a farm with crippled animals to tend to as well and a lawsuit and a mountain of debt to try to keep up with because of all the veterinarian bills incurred to address all the injuries I was addressing in eight horses/ponies resulting from my neighbor's dog.

It has only been the past few months that I have been able to talk to my sister again. At first I pretended she was someone on PC which helped me distance her from how she "hurt me" so I could learn what was going on with my parents. My parents are starting to go down hill and really showing their age. I have been trying my best to be there for them and sort my way through all the things my sister says about what the doctors say and how she is trying to manage it all.

It is really nice to be told that it is Ok, and important that I take care of myself and it is OK that I try to be a part of and yet remember that I do have PTSD and to make sure I don't take on more than I can handle. I have to admit that there is a part of me that wants to go and visit my parents more, yet there is a part of me that is also being "avoidant" so it is much like I am trying to punch a hole in the PTSD so I can get past it and be around them more.

Honestly, it is a though I am just getting so I am getting a hold of myself again, but still challenged with the PTSD and I am facing a situation with my parents that is very emotionally challenging and it does aggrivate the PTSD. There are many times that I really wish I had more time to get myself together more without having to deal or wrap my mind around this very trying and sad situation that is only going to get worse. So I have to admit that I get frustrated and tend to feel guilty because I can't be involved in the capacity that I feel I should be.

It is very hard not having others understand how challenging it really is, except for my T and others at PC who know how challenging PTSD can get and how important it is to go easy.

I do call and talk to my parents more and more. My mother can still have a conversation with me and sometimes she is good and sometimes she is not so good.
It was really hard to talk to my sister yesterday because she took my father to the place where he took is test so he could keep selling securities and investments and dealing with the clients he has had for many years now. He was getting answers right but he just could not finish it in the time allowed and he tried twice and just couldn't finish, so he could not pass it. And my sister said he cried and said he doesn't know what to tell his clients and he felt like he was taken to a public hanging. Well, my father doesn't cry, so it is so hard to see him this way. Well, old people are just "slower" and it isn't that he isn't smart, he is just too slow and to be honest, he should have been given more time considering his age. That was his reason for living and it is mean to take it away because he isn't fast enough. I have been amazed at how well he adapted to all this fast paced new technology the way he managed to do inspite of his age.

I am glad it was my sister that took him to this so called public hanging because I would not have been able to push back my own emotions and encourage him the way she managed to do. She did get through it and managed to keep strong until she got him home, but we did cry together as she talked about it to me on the phone. She is going to try to talk to a manager to see if there is any other venue that he could be tested that can give him more time. However, she admits that it is probably not there. These days you have to do things the way you are expected and the system can be very "cold".

So, anyway, thanks for reminding me, it is "OK' to step back and consider what I am capable of dealing with. I tend to struggle with guilt because of how this PTSD tends to make it so much harder. As you know, it can get lonely when around others who really don't understand how challenging it is. It is such a life saver to be able to interact with people who do understand it and can be so comforting and supportive.

I think you should recognize that though you are challenged, you are also capable of helping others find strength and reason as well. It is important that you realize that when you do help others by being comforting and understanding, even using your intellect more, it also will help you too. What strength we give to others, we may not realize it, but we are also giving it to ourselves. By actually "practicing" utilizing more productive thought patterns it helps the PTSD brain to make gains in getting past the PTSD part and get back to being able to intellectualizing again, inspite of it. That is how a group situation can be very helpful because it encourages you to step outside your own issues and instead use your mind to help others. Productive thinking is always healing.

Open Eyes