I hope what I am about to tell you helps. Our situations are not identical but there are enough similarities that maybe you will get some comfort in what I came to realize with my situation.

My mother doesn't like me. I don't believe she loves, me, either; although I do believe she used to think she was supposed to love me (as, in an ideal world, parents love their children). She convinced herself over the years that I was bad and not worth loving. Over the years her dislike became more and more blatant; she did and said things to make it clear she didn't like me.

At the same time she also made it clear she loved and preferred my siblings, particularly the one who used to physically and verbally abuse me.

I grew up feeling second rate, unloved, unwanted yet enslaved to them because they were my family and if they didn't love me who would?

Somewhere along the line I figured out my mother is mentally disturbed, quite profoundly, the sibling who mistreated me is too, and just because they were incapable of loving me did not mean I was unloveable, or inherently bad, or undeserving of decent treatment.

Regardless of your drug addiction, your current state of use or non-use, you are worthy of love. Your mother sounds like she has some serious problems, and it is never a child's fault that he or she has been born. I wish and hope and pray you have a happier life than I ever did.