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Had few sleepless nights lately. Too much thinking about things I have been supressing.
It's been weird past several months. when I went to Ukraine after realizing i will have to spend extra semester in school... I was hoping for the country to save me. It did, I guess. But hard to be around fussy young Ukrainian project leaders and Slovenian teachers when you feel at moments you wanna die. But shiny things and kitsch of Ukraine did distract me pretty well. I guess it worked like replacement of my morbid thoughts.
But that is long time ago. And maybe existance of Yalta by itself cannot keep a girl alive... or?
It was weird to live with my mom, since I have been out of the house for long time... basically since high school, because I commuted to city 30 km away back then... so home was where I went to sleep... so just now I realized some things. And where I gotten my crazy from (although mom blames father's side. Not really fair since all of them are dead and cannot defend themselves). But as for my mom... it's been hard, as much as I love her. I had to make some decisions for both of us... just hope I did the right thing. Still not sure if she accepts my non-heterosexuality.
Speaking of dead people... I guess I really suck at resolving grief issues. I really do. So I am seeking post-mortem approval actually from my dead relatives. And avoiding those that are still alive, because I am afraid I am not good enough for them... and they must think I am truly strange thing.
But well, so I finished school, with realization that what I love triggers me quite a bit (and not to the normal person's degree "politics makes me depressed". It's much more complicated but I don't wanna go there). I gotten some approval ("ambitious thesis") from my prof. Yay me... I almost killed myself on it. But that is not something to mention in academia, since we are to be detached.
It's not like everything was going wrong. Objectivelly not really. Still the bad **** from the past lingers. Sometimes I still do think of going out with a broader message (only nobody would care, and I am not ready to be disappointed with people post-mortem. And I still wanna try to matter in life, since there's no reasonable way to die for **** over here. If there was a revolution, I'd be so in).
sorry if it doesn't make sense. I had to get it out. Just being very retrospective lately. Tenatively looking towards future. I hope it's there.
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Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE
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