My evil old computer is dying. I just know it. And when it goes out, I don't know what I'll do. Urgh, I want to beat it to pieces! If it goes out I'm dead. It's my only real line of communication... I can't believe I got it to start up and go online now... took me 2 hours.
It's too much. Last night my "friend" was suicidal, I had to spend an hour frantically trying to get ahold of the people around her to make sure they knew and would watch her. Haven't heard from her today, or anyone there. I'm afraid for her. And if she's ok now, it won't be good if I lose contact with her because of this trash box. She'll probably think I killed myself. Then she might hurt herself. Urgh!
Told some people I'm suicidal today. They think I should try going back on medicine. I don't believe it'll help. Certainly not Zoloft - not going back on that. But I guess I'll see the doctor about it, maybe Paxil... isn't that for social anxiety or eating disorders too? Actually, I want the eating "disorder," so probably doesn't matter. I'm overweight - honestly, so I can stand to keep this up a while.
And my back is killing me - although unfortunately not literally. But I alternate between being frustrated with the injury and getting into my pain enjoyment mindset. But I guess that helps me hold off on full-out self-abuse, between refusing myself food and allowing preventable/stopable pain.
I think what really scares me is the idea of being "normal." I look at what the future might hold, don't see much positive to continue for, but do see possibilities I've never experienced - like relationships - and freak out. Makes me edgy on crisis. Rather just forget it all.
I think I need a cry... feeling emotional and stressed. Maybe it'll help me sleep.