You know, in many families those "occasions" are all the relationship they have. It stinks :-(. They might not be thinking so much about the $$$ or the gifts as about it being the "family" thing to do to include everyone. They might also believe it's a real relationship thing.

My husband's family is kinda-sorta that way, only it's not about gifts at all. The sum total of their interactions is about the "family gathering" events. We are expected to pack up ourselves and the dog and go to them, stay in a motel (paid for by my mother in law) and show up and "perform" for the holiday or event. To them, that is relating.

The rest of the time--and hubby's sisters are especially this way--we hear nothing. Zilch. They have NEVER made even the slightest effort to come see us. One time they claimed they hadn't been invited and I about plotzed. WTF?!?!!

I play along with this crap for MIL's benefit. She's old and our last parent and I love her. (I love the rest of them, too, despite their craziness.) So we will keep going and doing the routine while she's still around. When she is gone, we will relocate to Montana. If the family members want to see us, they can come visit THERE. Won't ever happen, but that's okay. I've had it with this farce. If they can't be bothered to pick up the phone and CALL when we live three hours away, then that's their problem. The phone will be just as close when we move to MT. We will live far more cheaply there than in NJ where we currently live, and I will be a LOT happier to be back in my beloved Big Sky Country. DH doesn't do change well, so it doesn't matter where we would move, he'd still carry on. But he will settle in and do just fine, as he always has when he's moved. (He did 20 years in the Army and moved lots.)

Unfortunately, since that's what the family does, we are left to find other people with whom to connect and relate. In my family, I'm only close to my sister, and we'll be nearer to her and my BIL when we move. But that won't be a constant contact thing either. In the end, we believe that family is what and where we make it. If our relatives need us, we'll do what we can. But there are way too many holes in the "relationship" part of the equation to make it better. *sigh*