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Old Mar 03, 2013, 06:12 PM
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adam_k adam_k is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Jan 2013
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 1,275
Quote:
Originally Posted by IceCreamKid View Post
The best thing you could do for yourself and your marriage would be to pay more attention to your wife and your marital relationship and less attention to whatever element of fantasy you are using to make yourself think the grass is greener in some other woman. Buy your wife a day at the beauty salon/spa, rent a fancy hotel room, book a dinner reservation, and go on a date. All the energy you are pouring into fantasy can be poured into making your marriage fantastic.
I try to pay attention to her. I feel slightly rejected about it. A couple months ago she complained about not having enough sex and then I made a conscious effort to be more intimate. Now she says she can live without sex. She enjoys it but it isn't on her list of priorities.

I try going out on dates but she doesn't like to go out. Maybe it is my fault. I spent most of my marriage stuffing my emotions deep inside because I couldn't deal with them. Maybe I ruined this for being an emotional cripple for the last 4 years and now she may resent me.

I put on a lot of mask for people. I have done this for as long as I can remember. I have a lot of inner turmoil. Even with my wife. Somedays I go from thinking she is the best thing in my life, to feeling I hate her and she uses me out of convenience. I haven't really talked to her about this, and I used to think it was from my depression, but I am not so sure about that anymore. I make an effort to treat her as best I can, and accusing her of using me doesn't feel right. I don't think someone else could understand these feelings. I wouldn't be able to handle it if someone else felt like this towards me, so I choose to only embrace the positive feelings and tell myself. If it were big items I would maybe see things differently.

A few days ago I was having a rather bad day and I quit trying to hide how I am feeling around her. If I feel bad, then I don't pretend to be happy when I get home. I got home and I was sitting at my desk feeling really depressed and then I went upstairs. I just wanted to sleep, but I couldn't sleep because the antidepressants I was taking were making me feel really anxious. I remember sitting in bed and I start thinking she must not care anymore. She knows I don't feel good and she is just playing her game. She doesn't really care about me. Then I started thinking I don't really care about me. After that I just wanted to hurt myself. I went downstairs then and just sat on the couch for a while. A few hours later we went up stairs and went to bed. In bed I remember laying next to her and I started to caress her. Not really for sex, just to be close to someone. I remember going from feeling sad to being better. Then I though there is no one else in the world for me. It's very confusing.

In the past I would have just stuffed all my emotions inside and base all of my actions on what is the most logical thing to do at the time. If I was feeling bad, I would have acted happy and pretended like everything is ok. I would have tried to focus my attention on something. School, games, or somethings like that.
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