I try to pay attention to her. I feel slightly rejected about it. A couple months ago she complained about not having enough sex and then I made a conscious effort to be more intimate. Now she says she can live without sex. She enjoys it but it isn't on her list of priorities.

I try going out on dates but she doesn't like to go out. Maybe it is my fault. I spent most of my marriage stuffing my emotions deep inside because I couldn't deal with them. Maybe I ruined this for being an emotional cripple for the last 4 years and now she may resent me.

I put on a lot of mask for people. I have done this for as long as I can remember. I have a lot of inner turmoil. Even with my wife. Somedays I go from thinking she is the best thing in my life, to feeling I hate her and she uses me out of convenience. I haven't really talked to her about this, and I used to think it was from my depression, but I am not so sure about that anymore. I make an effort to treat her as best I can, and accusing her of using me doesn't feel right. I don't think someone else could understand these feelings. I wouldn't be able to handle it if someone else felt like this towards me, so I choose to only embrace the positive feelings and tell myself. If it were big items I would maybe see things differently.

A few days ago I was having a rather bad day and I quit trying to hide how I am feeling around her. If I feel bad, then I don't pretend to be happy when I get home. I got home and I was sitting at my desk feeling really depressed and then I went upstairs. I just wanted to sleep, but I couldn't sleep because the antidepressants I was taking were making me feel really anxious. I remember sitting in bed and I start thinking she must not care anymore. She knows I don't feel good and she is just playing her game. She doesn't really care about me. Then I started thinking I don't really care about me. After that I just wanted to hurt myself. I went downstairs then and just sat on the couch for a while. A few hours later we went up stairs and went to bed. In bed I remember laying next to her and I started to caress her. Not really for sex, just to be close to someone. I remember going from feeling sad to being better. Then I though there is no one else in the world for me. It's very confusing.

In the past I would have just stuffed all my emotions inside and base all of my actions on what is the most logical thing to do at the time. If I was feeling bad, I would have acted happy and pretended like everything is ok. I would have tried to focus my attention on something. School, games, or somethings like that.