Dear T,

After that day when I shouted at you and slammed your door, I read a post on another forum from an abuse survivor who said the purpose of therapy, for them, was to voice and process the pain. I remember thinking: that's not what it's for, not for me, for me it's to face up to how ***** I am and learn how to be less *****.

But you keep saying things, like how I need to widen my definition of violence, how this or that was abusive or brutal, how I have all this torture in my system, and I keep wondering if it can really be the case that I am here to talk about what other people did to me, if it's not my fault, if it's not about how ***** I am.

This weekend I thought: we still haven't talked about how ***** I am. Is it really possible you could give me therapy and never find me out, never notice how ***** I am? Is it possible that you don't think I'm *****? I imagine what you might say, based on the things I've told you, but there's another voice in my head that just laughs and laughs and says: "I can't believe you have the gall to call yourself a victim."

I want to ask if you think that. I want to ask if you think I'm *****. I want to ask why you're being so nice to me.