Adam, it sounds like you are doing alot of thinking. That is a good thing.

My H and I have going to marriage T. One of the greater things we have learned as simple as it sounds is communication. I don't hear what he says, because of past abuse, and his past abuse of me as well. He says get off the computer. I hear "GET OFF THE F N COMPUTER NOW" I see it as control and what he is really saying is get off the computer I want you to talk to me, I miss you. We have been spending 2 mo now saying what we want to portray now the opposite. Because of where I have been in life I hear controlling statements and due to where he has been in life he hears unappreciative and failure type of statements. So we are working on communicating.

You guys sound so much like my H ans I. He is angry from work and I stay away from him not because I don't care, but because anger scares me. He sees that as rejection. That might be part of why she pulls back from you in the bed room. Maybe she is unsure of how to deal with your feelings. What you feel rubs off on her. Ever notice when you are around someone who is happy it is easier to be happy, just like when you are around someone who is agitated it is like you become agitated to.

Maybe she is afraid of her own emotions. Her own feelings of failure. Her own insecurities. It is hard to have sex and enjoy it when you feel poorly about your self. Like I have said before I am not some boney chick, I might even be a little "fluffy". It takes more then a nice meal out to make a insecure girl feel better. Clothes shopping hurts my self-esteem, (look at what I have become) A spa date, my H got me one for x- mas. I have yet to use it , who wants to touch a "big" girl. A hair cut maybe, he will pay for it, but who wants to get near me. (again look at what I have become.)

These are my issues, they carry over into our relationship, they carry over into the bed room. A hair cut and buying shoes or pants, what could be more simple and human, but to me it is not that way. Your wife may feel the same way. You cannot change that in her. That has to come from w/ in her.

My H feels it is a direct insult to him that I feel the way I do. He is powerless to help me see the light, he is powerless to change how I feel, and he feels that I don't care about me or us. That is not my intent.

So the problem my not be w/ you. Part of why you feel badly might be what is going on w/ you but alot of the issue may be able to be changed if you do not take it as a direct insult from her that she doesn't want to be in the bed room w/ you, or seems to be closed off from your feelings.

I know that might be a long shot to see things this way and I could be wrong. This how things are in my life and may not be how they are in your life. But if you are looking for why things are the way they are this might be something to consider.

T might not be the worst thing in the world for both of you, together and/or individually.