I think the relationship you and your husband have it somewhat similar to mine. Except I internalize all my anger. She doesn't pull away from me when I touch her. She just gets annoyed because I always want to touch her. She says it is annoying that I hang on her whenever I am around. I'm just trying to show her that I still feel attracted and I enjoy touching her. I don't mean touching in a sexual way, just like rubbing her shoulders and holding her.

As far as all of the depression and mood stuff. She tells me she doesn't know how to deal with it. The only advice I can give her is that I don't expect her to make me happy. I am just looking for someone to support me and tell me things will get better and I won't feel like this forever. I think I am putting a lot on her with as open as I am being.

I was sleeping Saturday and she came to wake me up. We started talking and I told her something I am not sure if I should have. I started talking about my self injury and how I still get a lot of feelings of wanting to do it. She didn't understand it, and I tried to make sense of it. I told her it was a coping mechanism to deal with emotional pain. I said that I internalize all my anger and hurting myself was a way to release some of that.

I also told her I have a lot of suicidal idealization. She asked me how often I think about it, and I said just about everyday. I don't have any plans and I know it isn't the way to solve my problems. Then she asked me why I didn't go through with it. The only answer I could come up with was her. That feels wrong and I know I should live for me, but it was the honest answer. I wish I didn't have these feelings, but I do. Maybe I should have kept it to myself. After telling her I felt vulnerable and scared.