Dearest Lady,
Often times when I write here in response to another's pain, I worry and fret about whether or not I said the right thing. Sometimes I totally mess up and say exactly the wrong thing. When this happens I feel the hurt that I caused and that makes me want to exact a toll on myself for causing someone else the pain that I feel.

My therapist made an interesting point yesterday. She explained that I don't have that kind of power. I don't have the power to MAKE anyone hurt, be mad or feel any way at all. This is a strange thought to me. It is hard for me to wrap my brain around. But it is true. Elenor Roosevelt said it to. No one has the power to make you feel insignificant unless you let them. In otherwords, the only one who decides how you feel is you. And the same goes with those we communicate with. People can say mean hurtful words to me but it is only myself who can choose what to do with those words. Only you can decide what you feel. Only the person you feel you hurt can decide whether she wants to be hurt or not.

I think this is important to remember when we were talking on the forums. We must do our best be kind. We all must do our best to help. But we also must all do our best to realize that mistakes are made and in the end the only feelings we have any control over is our own. In some cases we have to also allow the people we communicate with to take responsibility for their own feelings.

Please, forgive yourself and be kind too yourself.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft