It's 2:05 a.m. and I still can't sleep.

My son and I have never really had a fight or a conflict before.

What am I going to do if this thing tonight means he is really, truly mad at me and continues to phase me out of his life?

As it is, I rarely hear from him.

I've always avoided conflicts with him because I've been so afraid of losing this relationship, just like I've lost most relationships throughout my life.

I've never been able to keep a best friend. I've had a lot of friendships go sour and then we never speak again. Or we have an occasional email to say hello and make sure the other is still alive.

I should never have told him about my bipolar a few months ago. He started treating me different after that. Like I didn't matter as much. Like my views were not as important. Like my feelings did not matter as much as before.

He hasn't confided in me like he used to. I'm not sure if that's just part of becoming an adult and it just happened to be around the same time that I told him about the bipolar.

I worry about him not being in college right now. I don't want to see him flail around from job to job like I did, wondering what his life purpose is.

I worry about him straying from spirituality. I raised him in church, just like several generations in our family have been raised in church. He has always been a really deep mixture of philosophical and religious and I've always been glad that he turned out that way. But I'm worried that it won't last and he might turn his back on the way he was raised.

He's already turned his back on some of the values I taught him. I know this because he voted for the other presidential candidate and I'm still scratching my head about how that happened.

I just can't bear the thought of him being mad at me, me not handling the conflict well, some permanent damage being caused, him phasing me out of his life, me not knowing him, me not knowing my grandkids someday, or his kids treating me the way he treats my mom.