Soon after I started therapy, I read something about how it can help abuse survivors to voice and process pain and trauma. I thought: "That sounds great, but that's not why I'm there. I'm there to learn what's wrong with me and learn how to be less ****." I became increasingly confused when my T said things like: "You have all this torture in your system..." and "It's about learning to be gentler with yourself."

This weekend, I thought I was reality-checking my belief that I am there because I am worthless. I thought: "Wow, is it possible I could be allowed to use therapy to process pain and trauma, and not have to talk about how **** I am? Is it possible he would let me go to therapy to feel better, and not make me see how **** I am? That's so kind of him!"

Then it dawned on me that maybe that was toxic shame talking, but I just couldn't see that, because it seemed like the truth. However much I read about how you can be affected, I still think: "Well, sure, that makes sense for other people - but me, I'm just a piece of ****."

It seems absurd to me that I could be at therapy to heal, because bad things happened to me, and not because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Part of me knows this is toxic shame talking, but I don't have enough to replace it with yet.

Early on, I wrote something down and when my T read it he said: "Oh sh_t," in this really shocked and dismayed voice. And for about 3-4 weeks after, I kept repeating it to myself, exactly how he'd said it. "Oh sh_t. Oh sh_t." I realised I was trying to replace the voice in my head that minimises, that says nothing happened, and if anything did happen it's all my fault, and that was all I had to replace it with so far.

Is it really possible for me to go to therapy because bad things happened to me and I haven't dealt with them? Or is my therapist thinking: "I can't believe she has the gall to come in here and complain about other people and make out that she isn't the problem."

Because he must think that, because it's me. I've put off talking to him about it because I'm so convinced he will laugh and tell me I'm not here to complain about other people. I want to believe that's distorted thinking, but the problem is I think it's the truth, because it's my truth.