Have you considered how your husband will feel if you abandon him? He has lost a child too, and although your pain is enough to break any human it isn't the right decision to do what you are planning. Death will come for you in time, but instead of forcing it upon yourself why not use your life to help save others from pain? There are thousands of orphaned children in America, and although you may not want to adopt you could always volunteer with them, or volunteer in Africa. You WILL die at some point, and that thought can give you comfort, but you can't allow yourself to be defeated, not when you have the potential to do such great things.