Hi everyone, sorry I have not updated in a while I have been all over the shop with this, I did end up in hospital following an OD of diazepam I bought off my now deceased ex dealer - died in a drink driving accident a couple of months ago. So I can't get them anymore but man I so desperately needed to get mashed and knock myself out my brain has been working over time.

*****************I took valium - as perscribed - when I quit smoking cigarettes to deal with the anxiety. They (diazepan) are very adictive so my pdoc gives me .5 mg only 4x's a day. Now I only take them a few times a week if needed. My biggest problem was learning to take meds as needed! I was taking over the prescribed amout when I felt uncomfortable or just wanted to numb myself. You're very lucky you were not in the car with your ex-dealer!

Stupid I know, it was not to kill myself and they got that so just sent me on my way a couple of days later. I still refrained from smoking though, they let me out last Thursday. On the Friday I went away for a choir residential and still stayed away from the cigs and weed. It took everything out of me though not for quitting just the experience of being with people and socialising so on Monday I gave in and bought a bag of weed and spent the next couple of days stoned which I am so frustrated and angry about because it was blissful to be out of it.

***************I have a ton of social anxiety - which is common with addicts. I have not been out to a club or social event in 3 months. I am giving myself time to get used to being sober. I only am around people when I go to AA meetings or my bipolar support group. It's ok to stay away from people for a while if they trigger you to use.

On Wednesday I stopped again and so far not given into my cravings since so I have not given up giving up and only two days ops so far out of 13.

***********WAY TO GO

I am however at the point of crazies again, my back hurts, I'm constantly clammy with sweat even though I'm cold, I'm unsettled, can't concentrate my thoughts travelling faster than I can make sense of it. My dreams when I can sleep are utterly extreme and vivid I'm waking up shattered and frankly freaked out by the dreams contents. I don't understand because there is not meant to be any physical dependence on weed only psychological but my body it freaking out, I'm freaking out.

*******************I think it is all kinds of addictive. I had insomnia & nightmares about using drugs. BUT it does get better with time. Drink lots of water to flush toxins out of your system. If it's ok with your Dr. try to substitute the addiction with exercise. Meditate, use deep breathing techniques, pray and read/read/read about addiction. The 12 step literature and bible worked for me although I no longer attend church due to anxiety. But you can read anything that may help you to become a more spiritual person - Buddism/Hindu/Tao/Self-improvment literature.

All I can think about is what other way I could mess myself up but the only other drug my new dealer offers is coke and I'm not that fussed about that as that's a party drug and need other people to feel the full effects and that would not slow me down. Seeing as I now live the life of a hermit that is no use to me.

************** Coke almost killed me it is 100x's more addictive and more expensive than pot. Please DO NOT TRY COKE. It also messes up all the dopamine in your brain when you come down. I was suicidally depressed when we ran out of coke.

I have looked up herbal remedies but the Internet does not give you real knock out herbal cures only stuff like bach's remedy or calamine which lets face it is useless. How is it on tv they can knock people out with plants but nothing I could find comes anything close to it.

*************************Try Kava Kava powder from Hawaii, melatonin to sleep, and SamE or St John's Wort for depression.

I wish my update was better, I'm staying away from booze as is dangerous to me in this mood. Im proper struggling though.