I tried to volunteer with kids once. It didn't work out and I only half tried again. It doesn't make sense but I think I'm afraid of kids now. I get nervous, never know how to act. It's almost like they will break if they come into contact with me. That's silly but I feel it. I don't know how to play any more. I'm not that person I was before I lost my kids and I don't know that therapy is going to give that excitement I used to feel back. That is life. So, I don't care if it rains or if my favorite TV show is on. We all grow up and that is how it is. I can no longer find a logical reason to get excited over childish things so there appears to be no reason to wonder what wrong.

We thought about fostering to adopt but decided against that as well. I can't lose another child. That was why we never even tried to adopt. I buried my own children and have spent the last year since my tubal ligation trying to figure out what gives my life meaning. I thought it was school and the prospect of a future career that I could love. You ask a normal person (normal = someone who has never dealt with child loss) what the meaning of life is and there is at least a 40% chance they will tell you it's your kids and grand kids.

I know I'm depressed. I'm asking for a referral next week. I even have the name of a therapist. A friend gave me his name because we got to talking and decided I may be somewhere on the spectrum like she is. I know many people with autism struggle to be normal and as a result many are depressed. I've always known I have a learning disorder but it took our likenesses to finally have a possible name to give to it.

I don't know what happened that I can't even make babies. You don't have to be smart to have kids. I don't know what I'm capable of; what I'm good at. Do I have any talent? What if I would have made a really great Mom? What if that is my talent and I'll never know.