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Originally Posted by Anne2.0
Now, I don't think that enjoying sex with women more than men means you are a lesbian. I mean, it might, but not necessarily. I like having sex with my H more than my previous female partners, but that sure as all get up doesn't make me heterosexual. If something happened with my marriage, I don't know if I would want another partner at all, but I'm inclined to think I would be more likely to look for a woman rather than a man. But I think for me, my romantic interests have always been in the person rather than the gender per se. I'm not sure that who you want to have sex with means something particular about your overall sexuality or who you are. Maybe it just means you dig that person. Or you don't dig that person.
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My questions about sexuality come up with the maternal touch. I know I am on the spectrum of bisexual and I lean more towards females. I have been in love with both. It is fluid.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0
I do wonder, though, if some of the key is in who you don't want to grind it up with-- your H. Five years is a really long time and I understand that he's a really great and supportive guy and he's okay with the state of things, but are you? Rhetorical question, of course. There's nothing wrong with an absence of sexuality in a marriage if that works for both partners, and I suspect that this happens in more marriages than we know (my FIL had one of these, before he divorced his 3rd wife). But I am wondering if this is the only way you can be married to this man is to avoid your lust, and if that is something that you really want to be in for a long haul. But if it's a way of coping with being with someone who you don't really dig, then maybe it's time to consider your options. You can rediscover your lust with your H, or rediscover your lust by yourself and let it lead you in another direction. But maybe issues surfacing around touch and sexuality are really more about you and the kind of life/partnership/marriage that you want for yourself, and maybe it's not what you currently have.
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If you read my answer to MKAC, you'll see it is not only emotionally difficult, but physically difficult for H and I to have traditional sex. I have never been an extremely lustful person. Once a week or every other week is fine with me. I just feel like I screwed up (no pun intended) my marriage from the get-go. I wonder how much of this is guilt over my affair.
On the other hand, I know my ex has problems only being with her H. She said she enjoys sex with him, but the desire for a woman is so freaking strong that it takes all of her willpower not to just go out and cheat on her H.
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Originally Posted by WikidPissah
I am a firm believer that orientation is as controllable as gender, or race. I don't think upbringing or choice have anything to do with it at all. I know that many women (and men) struggle to make excuses, because society still considers "straight" to be the acceptable way. It's easy for me to accept my sexuality because it's the norm. My heart goes out to people who struggle with it. I hate almost every part of myself, if I had to struggle with orientation too I'd me in deep shite.
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Sexuality is fluid. Period. We still live in a backward society and I live on one end of the Bible belt. Fun times.
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Originally Posted by WikidPissah
My mother was not affectionate. My father's affection was painful to say the least. I am a cuddler with my family. H. My son (to a limit). My daughters. My grands. I can hug female friends, but not lengthy hugs. I can hug male friends a bit easier, probably since I've had such an affectionate H for so many years. I do not crave attention from either, since I have all the attention I need. I freak when my mother reaches out or touches me though...it feels like a take over, like an invasion, like she's trying to steal a piece of me.
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Makes perfect sense regarding your mom. I'm glad your H is affectionate and has helped you with touch from males.
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Originally Posted by WikidPissah
I worry for your H. It is a lot to ask a person to go without intimacy in a relationship. Every creature needs intimacy deep down. I don't care how much your H has shelled himself off from the world with his weight, he still deserves intimacy and sex. Sorry, but I don't buy into the "I'm being obese for you" deal. To ruin your health and deteriorate your life for another person is a messed up thing, not a romantic thing. I don't think you can say your marriage isn't in trouble, because it's not really a marriage but a friendship. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but the current situation isn't fair to either of you.
I hope that you work thru this quickly, I want you to live life to the fullest. You deserve to be happy.
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I never said H wasn't messed up. If I had to "diagnose" him, it would be with Narcissistic PD. He grew up in a much more abusive, neglectful relationship than I ever experienced (i.e. his mom tried to shoot and kill him and his sister). He now has no contact with his mom and it is fine by me. He will not go to therapy for his own trauma. He says he's "over it".
I stick by "he loves me that much". Is it fair? No, but it is his decision. I did not ask him to wait for me while on my journey to mental health. I am starting to think that a round of MC might be a really good idea.
We are intimate in that we share everything with each other. We know each other so well, we unconsciously imitate each other or say the exact same thing in unison. In many ways, we are connected at the hip. In other ways, we are not.
I appreciate your opinion and have given it hours of consideration while I worked today.