Quote:
Originally Posted by VenusHalley
Had few sleepless nights lately. Too much thinking about things I have been supressing.
It's been weird past several months. when I went to Ukraine after realizing i will have to spend extra semester in school... I was hoping for the country to save me. It did, I guess. But hard to be around fussy young Ukrainian project leaders and Slovenian teachers when you feel at moments you wanna die. But shiny things and kitsch of Ukraine did distract me pretty well. I guess it worked like replacement of my morbid thoughts.
But that is long time ago. And maybe existance of Yalta by itself cannot keep a girl alive... or?
It was weird to live with my mom, since I have been out of the house for long time... basically since high school, because I commuted to city 30 km away back then... so home was where I went to sleep... so just now I realized some things. And where I gotten my crazy from (although mom blames father's side. Not really fair since all of them are dead and cannot defend themselves). But as for my mom... it's been hard, as much as I love her. I had to make some decisions for both of us... just hope I did the right thing. Still not sure if she accepts my non-heterosexuality.
Speaking of dead people... I guess I really suck at resolving grief issues. I really do. So I am seeking post-mortem approval actually from my dead relatives. And avoiding those that are still alive, because I am afraid I am not good enough for them... and they must think I am truly strange thing.
But well, so I finished school, with realization that what I love triggers me quite a bit (and not to the normal person's degree "politics makes me depressed". It's much more complicated but I don't wanna go there). I gotten some approval ("ambitious thesis") from my prof. Yay me... I almost killed myself on it. But that is not something to mention in academia, since we are to be detached.
It's not like everything was going wrong. Objectivelly not really. Still the bad **** from the past lingers. Sometimes I still do think of going out with a broader message (only nobody would care, and I am not ready to be disappointed with people post-mortem. And I still wanna try to matter in life, since there's no reasonable way to die for **** over here. If there was a revolution, I'd be so in).
sorry if it doesn't make sense. I had to get it out. Just being very retrospective lately. Tenatively looking towards future. I hope it's there.
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Dear Venus,
I think that you have been preparing for the transitional period of your life in the past few years, and now that it is finally upon you, it's hit you harder than you have expected. At the same time, despite your many achievements and accomplishments, you've never really taken the time to address certain aspects of your life and past, because you had so much going on for yourself.
Now that you're at the slight lull before the next leg of your life, with more time to yourself, everything feels like it's pushing into you. Being stuck back home for the first time in a loooooong time doesn't help as well....mothers have a way of making us a bit cray cray. After having poured everything into academia, it's just a lot of pressure to be somewhere else completely different in life.
More than anything, you're just someone who has a drive to do something. Until you find a way to properly address that using your knowledge and experience, something will always feel off or wrong, even if on the surface, things seem fine. If anything, we both know that it's when your surface life is perfect to most people, it's a nightmare.
You're already used to really being the only adult you can depend on. Try to accept the past as it comes to you, let yourself feel accordingly (don't just distract yourself all the time), but most importantly keep striving towards your goals. You won't be happy until you've found your place to do what you love, even if it kills you. That's what you're destined for.