I've always struggled with my feelings and managing how I feel and dealing with those feelings. I think I've posted a few times that I used to be a lot more down, and I used to think about suicide every waking hour of the day, and it was my only calming thought. Sometime this summer/fall, those feelings started to get a lot less severe, and sometimes I miss the comfort I got from feeling that way. When I was feeling down, I'd think of death and it would comfort me, but now nothing really comforts me?

I normally feel relatively fine (for myself, anyways. I've always been emotional, "dramatic", and have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember) except for lots of my normal behavior patterns have changed now. I don't have any motivation to do anything. I had to quit most of my activities, I don't look forward to anything, the things I've always loved aren't very enjoyable anymore, and I generally don't have the energy or motivation to do things like keep a journal or really be productive. I don't respond to texts or online messages or emails. I have started working out more often, and have turned to exercise instead of self harm and binge eating in the past couple of months, and I haven't SH'd in more than 2 months. But even days like today... I went on a lengthy run outside in the sun, and sprayed my favorite perfume, and all of that, but I feel absolutely terrible. And it isn't the same kind of terrible I used to feel. It's just a crappy feeling. I feel heavy, and I want to cry but I can't. And I want to SH but I've been doing a really good job of not, even though I always want to.

But getting to my point.

I'm kind of confused because I don't feel as bad as I used to, and I'd say that I feel better, except I still have these low feelings, but they're all different. It isn't the same. I might feel okay, but then this sadness hits me hard. And I don't want to do anything but lay in bed and avoid the world. My parents and teachers have dismissed most of my feelings as a phase, or just adjusting to certain things. I've heard mixed things about if you really grow out of stuff like this. I thought I was coming out of it a little this fall, which I guess was kind of weird to think because that was when I was SH'ing the most. Is feeling like this ever just a natural phase? I don't take meds, and I haven't seen my T in a while. I didn't really like her, I don't really have time or motivation to see her, and because she didn't really help me feel better, my parents didn't want to pay for her. She stopped contacting me, so I don't think I'm that important to her. If I'm going to grow out of it, I want to know when. I've been working out, and I try to read inspirational stuff, but sometimes I just feel so sad. And sometimes something will set me off into a terrible mood that I can't shake. Not that I want people to worry about me, but it seems like because most people aren't that concerned, I should really start to feel better soon.