Maybe it's more that I just want to be less unhappy. I'm definitely not happy, because I was given a gift of some happiness six years ago, for a few months, and that is something of a base line.

It wasn't extreme, though when you've had mostly unhappiness, some sustained happy times may SEEM extreme. Nope, it was just plain good, wonderful in fact. But I don't compare every mood with that period of happiness. I just know it is possible to have it. And when things swing in the opposite direction (called dysphoria, right? -- the opposite of euphoria?)... then come the reminders of what could be, what had been, what should be possible... and considering I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing (attending to my mental & physical health, being a good & helpful person, etc)... well, it escapes me why the suffering must return.

I've had those moments, putzing around with electronics & stuff, even just doing some eBay thing, realizing I have been able to help a fellow eBayer with something (I enjoy that) and they are pleased that some stranger cared enough to share some knowledge. Indeed, and I've often thought to myself -- maybe that's as good as it gets.

But if that were true, why did the Spring of 2007 happen? It felt like a journey (cut off, as it happened) into what was real and right and good. I mean, joyfully singing LOUD with a CD -- or even “a cappella” -- while doing a solo mini-road trip to nowhere in particular, just for the joy of driving, of finding someplace to explore a bit. Soaking in the simple beauty of a formerly unseen, nearby place.

Y'know who are truly happy? Young children. At least those who have most of their needs met... their parents are stable, their bellies are full, their minds aren't cluttered with painful visions or feelings. Call it childhood innocence, simple ability to find joy in whatever they are doing. If that ain't happy, I dunno what is. And there are SOME adults who are still capable of doing it. Last time I felt that was the same time period (early '07) when I rode a bike for first time in eons. Instant joy! Complete abandonment of any self-consciousness or fear. Just... GO! And FASTER! The beam on my face must have been visible for a mile.

But what led up to that instant, seemed to be a happenstance combination of head meds, pain meds, a period of relief long enough to 'allow' the trust that it could LAST, that it (the relief) was for real, finally.

Making the decision, cleaning & oiling the bike, taking it down to the station to put air in the tires, yadda yadda. Enjoying the process of ALL of that... then, the actual RIDE. Whew. True, if I never feel that way again, at least I had that moment. Is it selfish to want it back? Is it just another indicator of mental illness that when the mood is sliding downwards, memories of happy times come fluttering back into peripheral vision? To some extent I 'spose recalling happy times while -- once again -- sliding into depression, is in itself a symptom of depression. IE, anything the sick brain can do to enhance the misery? Aaaugghh, I don't know.......

Sure, I get some pleasure from a good TV show or a well-made movie... clearly able to "lose myself" in something for an hour or three. Then the "bleah" ennui returns. When it returns very quickly, I've come to realize the head meds are failing.