Hiya, I'm giving you a lot to read today lol... Hope you have a cup of tea ready :0)

With my back I have two types of pain, the constant dull ache and discomfort that never lifted until I got the patch that is. Then there is break through pain, this is when I'm hit with a sharp, more heightened pain, or sciatica it is much more intense but will fade eventually. Tramadol and liquid morphine were the only meds that touched that. I had a couple of very bad ODs on them though where I went into respiratory arrest so doc had them stopped. If I had not been in hospital so they could give me the antidote I would be dead now.

I smoke the green weed, hash I think, I'm not very good with weed terminology. You can get squidgy solid but it hot rocks everything and is bad in terms of effecting my breathing although a lot cheaper I have not had that since uni. What did you use to smoke?

Wow you went 4 years without fair do's, your right it is such a shame you committed to going back on it... What lead to the relapse? I think I will always love weed and wish it didn't have to be all or nothing but I can't smoke weed and not smoke fags and I can't keep spending £60 a week it's stupid, it just keeps me stable and really helps with my back... I like you would plan my whole life around the plant and would pick it over food, that is so unhealthy i know. I just wish I was feeling some benefit other than a nice hair cut to keep me motivated though rather than the mess I'm in, Day 15 free today :0)

I have bought a cookie mix in case I relapse myself, which was naughty I know it feels like I'm trying to work out when I can relapse. I have been thinking about it lots yesterday and today because I feel so unstable but I booked in to see the dentist about my gums tomorrow so need to be showing them I'm determined to save my smile.

I like what you say about needing to learn how to live with the mental illness with a sober mind. I relate a lot with that and has helped to rationalise this madness some, I was not expecting it to be this difficult.