I've struggled with abandonment, self-esteem and codependency issues all my life. My issues plus the lack of education I got from my family has meant that I've always struggled with forming relationships and friendships and I'm very lonely.

This is about my coworker and friend, J. I guess I have a handful of acquaintances and people I share hobbies with, but not real close friends. Then last April I got a new coworker, a guy named J, and it kind of changed my life. He's not like anyone else I've been friends with in the past. He's very friendly and kind and concerned and for the first time in my life I actually felt listened to and understood. Of course I developed a crush on him and he returned my feelings to an extent but turned me down, mostly because of my issues I think. For a time I was constantly going to him to talk about my insecurity and loneliness, and I guess some of it was manipulative - testing him, wanting comforting, etc. It stressed him out and he forbade me from talking to him about those topics for awhile. He started dating another girl and I felt really rejected. Then they broke up in January and since then he and I have been friendly again. I've been trying not to be manipulative and avoid talking about my issues most of the time.

I'm very dependent on J's friendships. My other friendships are very superficial and those friends are not as mature as J and I don't feel like they understand me or that I get much out of talking to them. I get to see J three days a week at work which is great. I thrive on regular human contact. But the problem is.... we're getting new schedules from April which means we only have a couple weeks left of working together. I'm very anxious about being separated from him.

The truth is, I don't know what to make of our relationship. I feel very close to him and that he understands me better than anyone else in my life. But at the same time, we never see each other outside of work. He never wants to socialize with me outside of work. I guess you could rationalize it that he sees me so much during the week anyway, and that he wants to spend his weekends with other people he can't see as often as me. He's someone who is very important to me and I thought I was someone important to him based on how much we talk at work and how much he texts me.... but I'm starting to have doubts. I know he is a little scared of me because he knows I have feelings for him and doesn't want to lead me on, and also doesn't want to get caught up in listening to my issues. I just know that I'm going to get super insecure after April because he won't spend as much time with me as I want him to, and I'll feel we're growing apart... He says most of his friends he only sees once every few weeks.

Then today there was an incident that upset me. I was feeling depressed from the weekend when I saw a girl I know, a girl that I had wanted to me friends with but it never really worked out (probably because of my abandonment issues). I wanted to tell him about how that encounter made me feel bad, but he responded very defensively and was obviously uncomfortable. His attitude made me feel like it wasn't ok for me to have these hurt feelings. I was just looking for a little empathy and reassurance from from him who I consider a trusted friend. He apologized later for being harsh and said he didn't want to get caught up in being stressed out about my issues. I don't think it's fair because I've been being really good and hardly ever talking about my issues. I have a strong urge to email him and tell him that his response hurt me, but my gut and past experience tell me I shouldn't. Maybe feeling a little jaded towards him will help...less expectations means less disappointment.... I really wanted to believe someone was there for me though...