I agree with you that professionals are too guarding of benzos there is nothing wrong with needing to be switched off, sometimes it is surely the kindest thing. When the original sting has had time to settle start reintroducing life. I dreamed over and over they would do that for me and when they wouldn't obviously I turned to taking ODs I can't help but think if the had controlled me in a safe environment to reintroduce the reality slowly rather than forcing me to face it head on I believe there is a chance I could have handled it better rather than now having an OD maladaptive coping mechanism.

Although, no matter how hard we dream this there must be a reason that we need to suffer this pain in order to find a way to recover. It is very unfair and unjust to suffer as you have it's just down ride wrong.

******* TRIGGER QUESTION, IF YOU CAN PLEASE TRY AND ANSWER MAYBE JUST TO YOURSELF OR WITH US IF YOU FEEL ABLE. ****. trigger question***** before you read on intended to provoke you to think. So you can brace yourself or ignore if too soon.

If you were in heaven now as you so dearly wish... picture it.

but twist this reality around.....

Your son is back on earth wishing he were dead because thought of life without you was too much to bare. Now no yeah buts, this a no other option hypothetical..

You can see and hear every bit of his pain which exactly mirrors what your feeling now.

No need to say if you don't want to but how would you be feeling at seeing him not you him hurt so?...

Would you be screaming at him from heaven.. DO IT, COME JOIN ME.... Or would your reaction be to shout NOOOO LIVE. As we are all shouting at you in hope you hear NOOOO SPEED3 LIVE.

OUR WORDS ARE NOT REACHING YOU... SO I ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION:

You have the power in heaven to whisper one last thing to you grieving son that only his heart could hear and hold. It's your only chance to save him... What would you say to him??

There is no right or wrong answer to this, and i dont expect you to know to reply even.. i just ask swap places for just 5 mins try and find the words we can not give you... The deepest love you hold is for him. How would you comfort his pain, he is in your pain, would you tell him it's ok to die? I wish I knew what the right words to say to you were I hope this exercise helps you find the words you need to hear from yourself.