Lately I have been feeling really low about myself, and all I can think to do is either a.) eat comfort food, b.) comfort shop, or c.) SI. The last time I did option C was when I was hospitalized for it in 2012, therefore now, instead of hurting myself, I am eating everything in sight and accumulating increasing amounts of debt.

Yeah, one of my favourite comfort foods are large tubs of yogurt, which I can eat easily in a single sitting (about a litre)! In other words, I can easily eat 1.5 to 2 litres a day of yogurt (about 0.3 to 0.5 gallons for my American friends), and that's not including everything else I can take down.

It's kind of a daily routine for me to be crying while eating a tub of yogurt.

Afterwards I can feel so fat and disgusting that I want to force myself to through it up, and I have a bad enough body image as it is.

Now with my increasing usage of online shopping sites like eBay, Amazon, etc., I am accumulating more and more debt from buying things that I can't afford because it feels good in the moment (and it's incredibly easy). In a few clicks a fancy new electronic I can't afford will be en route to my post office. I'd really like an iPad…

Later I will be stressed from having spent that money and will avoid as much as possible looking at my bank account information. But when I feel like I do right now, I don't care about debt or finances, because I feel like I am such a useless waste of space that debt should be the least of my worries.

Of course I would absolutely love it if someone was here with me to help me with how I feel – a hug or some love would be nice – but since that isn't going to happen anytime soon, if it ever will, I am having to find new ways of coping with my self-hatred, major depression, and whatever other issues I have without SI.

And it's not working for me.

Yes I have a T and have been seeing them for most of my life, but no amount of talking about my feelings will change what I really am – a useless, fat, disgusting, unlovable, stupid failure.