I'm fighting with myself to not just give up on everything and stay in bed for the rest of my life right now. I'm struggling so much to find a reason to keep on going. Nothing ever changes. I've always found it so hard to motivate myself into doing anything but even when I do try to change my life and make things better for myself it doesn't seem to work and I just go back to square one.

At the moment I spend nearly everyday at home just on the internet or sleeping or something. I hardly go out anymore because I've got nowhere to go and I've got no money to go very far anyway. Plus it's been too cold out recently and I hate it so I'd rather stay warm indoors.

I'm trying to find a job at the moment but it is the hardest thing in the world. I've never had a job even though I'm almost 20 years old now and I feel like such a failure. I've done a few work experience placements in various shops but not much really. All my old friends have drift away from me because they've made new better friends, they have jobs and social lives and are in long term relationships. I've got none of that.

I've applied for a ton of jobs online recently and barely gotten a thing back. I've only had I think 4 job interviews in my life and of course I've never gotten a job from any of them. I think it's because I'm such a shy person. Although I try and come across as confident and smile and all that it's probably just not enough. I've been shy all my life and I just don't see it ever changing no matter how hard I try. I'm so scared of talking to people and I don't have a clue why and it's just ruining everything.

I've just had enough. I don't want to be a failure but the thought of waking up everyday and having to fill in yet more application forms is just too much. I've opened so many job application forms and then given up half way through because I just couldn't be bothered anymore.

I feel so sad and so tired and so alone and I don't know what to do. I exercise 5 times a week and I eat healthily but none of that helps me at all. I try and do things like drawing because I used to do it all the time but it's so hard for me to concentrate long enough. I feel like I've lost my creativity now as well. I'm just so lost.

I feel so silly because I keep coming on here and ranting but I don't know what else to do. I'm too scared/shy to get help plus I've got barely any money anyway.

If you actually read all that then thanks.. there wasn't really a point to this I just felt like writing.