I understand, and I would too. Just take it minute by minute. Jason would not want you to die yet. He wants you to be ok, but that's going to take a lot of time. Minute by minute. Every minute you make it through is a step of progress through your grieving, and getting you closer to finding your way through this horrible time. You are still you, and you still have a path in this life, it's dark and windy, and unknown what's ahead, but it's still your path that I believe you are meant to walk and complete.