(I put a heart because i am realy trying to feel hopeful & loving instead of upset scared & hopeless ;_

When I was a very young child, during potty training years I held in poop (reckon this was because i was a 'very sensitive child'; I had a case of seperation anxiety, nervous disposition/tendencies, & I picked up negative emotions easily & negative emotions were aplenty when I was younger..) so from age of about 5-10 I had impactions etc and had to take laxatives (always osmotic ones, 'Syrup of Figs' or 'Ortisan Fruit Cubes', thank the Lord I never took Senna/Senakot...heard it's very bad for long term use).

When I was at school I was bullied also was bullied in secondary school yadayadayada been there done that over now never had a boyfriend (not even now) had bad relationships with guys when I got to 16*never really had any 'friends', didn't get on with family because I reckon (so they told me all the time anyway) I stressed them out and 'made' them smoke and drink. Not the worst case life so far by a long shot but bad enough for me to FINALLY ASK FOR SOME ******* HELP after 2 major suicide attempts at 14 and 16 and self harming throughout the ages 11-17:/

Iv never drank properly (only managing about 1-2 glasses a day if that!!!) or eaten properly (either compulsively-nibbling at the wrong types of food-particualrly biscuits or having little appetite at all:/) It's a lot better now looking back, I eat healthily but atm due to college stress I'm back in a rut and my bowel is playing up-I have gone from going almost every day to not being able to go at all for nearly 4 days!!! (Cancer?? Is there something wrong??). I'm at college doing something I have little interest in. I can't do my first choice as it's not available now and I wanted to do a-levels but travel costs are issue and I have no job (due to depression-not being able to 'get up' in the mornings very well/at all) so I'm doing something I couldn't care less about and theres nothing I can do about it...

I started smoking but stopped that because couldn't be bothered. I've split from a potential boyfriend about 2 months ago, he's now got a new gf and I am by myself again thanks to me. I've done/said some terrible things and I live a life of regret and low mood. Having a bowel problem also upsets and creates anxiety in me. I don't know whats going to happen with it the doctors won't help me they don't care? I believe in conspiracies and had a breakdown a few months ago after my split with bf.

*16 I got with a 25 year old man...


Lost and very alone. I keep pushing people away. They will only find me and what i've got disgusting. (I did use to poo myself from 5-14after all).