When I think back to why I posted the question in the first place I am reminded that it initial excited me. I think this is because I knew there was something missing from the relationship. It was sex, but the intimecy and closeness of the act with someone you have chemistry with.

When I think about my marriage it is missing some of my needs that have developed since I have gotten older.

1. I need trust. I thought I had that but with the recent events this has been shattered between me and her.
2. I need support to deal with depression. I know this may be unfair and it was like a hidden fee I dropped in her lap, but I realize it is a real need for me. I have days where I can't stop thinking about hurting myself and I need a person in my life to be there to keep me safe. Hospitals and crisis centers can do that, but it comes at a cost as well. Missing work, feeling alone and scared. It is more beneficial to me to have a person in my life that will drop everything just to keep me company and get me thru the rough patches.
3. I need intimacy. I don't mean just sex, but the closeness you have from loving someone. I'm not saying I can't live without it or anything like that, but I need to feel connected on a deep level to someone. That is what gives me happiness.
4. I need a partner that is financially responsible. I don't mean I need someone to pay bills, but my significant other should be able to balance a checkbook and have some financial knowledge.
5. I would like a partner that has thier own life. Wants, needs, desires and passions.
6. I need someone that can accept me. I know this should go without saying, but I need someone who can accept that I have depression, used to self harm and that I am sensitive to rejection.

I don't think Sarah can fulfill these things. Maybe some of them with time and effort on her part, but I think too much damage has been done.


I took her new phone back to the store for a refund. I didn't want to buy it and it was less than 30 days so I could still bring it back. In the process of doing that I looked through the conversation she and her best friend have been having. I admit it is wrong but I wanted to know how she felt since she won't talk to me directly. From what I gather she resents me for not wanting children, of reluctanty agreeing to try. She also resents the time lost when I occupied my self going to school and working full time. I think most spouses would sacrifice for thier others doing this for a better future. Yeah it is a few hard year's, but the payoff later would be worth it. She resents me for not spending enough time with her and not caring enough for her. I think there are many ways to show love. In the last couple months I tried to show it more physically, but I feel that was too late. She has already grown away from me in her heart.

I am going to stay in her parents house for a couple of months. It will give me an oppurtunity to save some money and work on therapy. I have put up an emotionally wall with her now. When I told her I was taking her phone back, she started crying. I remember feeling nothing. She is sleeping in the other bedroom. I got all of her things, clothes, and even sex toys and put them in a suitcase and set them outside of the room. Preverbally kicking her to the curb.

I still love her, but I know this releationship is done. I don't want to try and fix it. I agreed to stay out of the 8 years we put together and I can't bear to see her homeless. I am going to give her 2 months to get a job and her life in order before I move out.