Hi all. I'm new in this forum.
I've been struggling with depression for more than a decade, but its been pretty severe and consistent since '05. I've been on antidepressants and mood stabilizers but I never felt any benefit from them. Currently I take 900 mg of St John's Wort which I have felt the best on than anything else I've tried, expect the problem is that it wears off a few hours after talking it and I'm in the same position again. I'm leary of going back to doc for prescription because of past inefficiencies and side effects, but I'm almost to the point of desperation, that I'll try anything.
Anyway, this is not really what I want to post about. I'm really stuck in a horrible cycle that I just don't know how to get out of. And its ruining my marriage.
I am sleeping all day and watching tv all night. When I do manage to get on a decent sleep cycle, I just watch tv all day. I can't keep a job. I don't do much around the house except cook and do the dishes a few times a week and clean the house only once every few weeks more or less...basically until I can't stand it anymore and I psyche myself up into doing it. I used to bathe daily but even that's cut back. It's so embarrassing to say I don't even brush my teeth everyday sometimes. I hate leaving the house. Going to do groceries, or to the bank, or take my dog for walks. All of it is a struggle that I hate doing. I love being outdoors, I have goals and dreams for my life...so why do I feel like this? The bigger question is how do I change ?
My husband and I are in a tough situation. We met in school and decided we want to build our lives together, the whole thing...house children etc. He graduated from the university with a double bachelor's and I of course didn't. He is an immigrant and now needs my help to stay here and build the life we dreamed of. But we are struggling financially to support ourselves and do that. Me not holding a job is really hurting us. I know this, I'm very aware. But yet, I haven't been able to do it and I feel extremely guilty. To add injury to insult I just don't feel like my husband understands how much I'm struggling. How miserable living like this is. How much it hurts to know I've let him down as well as myself. I feel like I've got more on my shoulders than I can deal with. I have my own personal problems with depression etc, as well as our financial and immigration problems, and now the relationship problems. How do I make him understand and support me ? I need help to get better. I haven't been able to pull it together on my own. I know he feels like I've put everything on his shoulders and he resents me. If I don't help, everything he's worked for and all the time he's spent supporting us will be wasted. He will have to go home to a very poor country and I don't think I could go with him, I don't think I could survive it. It's a lot of pressure for me as well as him. Our relationship has gone down hill really bad. He just wants me to be responsible in my life and help us make it through this legal stuff. And I just need to feel he really understands how I feel and encourage me a little. We stopped sleeping together. We can't communicate without fighting. Its not a happy or comfortable situation to live in which makes my depression worse, which isn't helping to change why things are bad in the first place. I know my depression is effecting him too. And I understand why and how he could feel like he does. But I also feel like, hey ! I'm struggling too and this isnt my fault, you are my husband where is my understanding love and support too ? Im lost and don't know of a way out at this point.