Sure I'm getting "help" if you want to call it that. I'm shoveling pills down my throat at a ridiculous pace. It's not enough. Therapy does not work. And no, I didn't just go to one therapist and decide that. I've gone to practically all of them on campus and then some and I've been with some up to a year or two.

And college degrees do nothing. I have two already. I'm getting my third. It doesn't make me qualified for anything (I've never even sent a resume anywhere because I'm clearly not qualified for any of the positions I looked at).

It's not like I haven't had wonderful experiences, I just don't enjoy them. Or I enjoy them for a couple hours and then I just feel badly again. And out into real life, I'm back at the lowest point of the totem pole again (IF I can get a job in what I really want to do). And in my field they don't treat newbies with any kindness—you're expected to be at the level of everyone else who's been doing it for years and years.

And then there's the other job I want to do—there's no actual position for it (or they're very rare)...it's commission only for the most part. And in the beginning you do hundreds and hundreds of hours of work for absolutely nothing. And I know that's true in other fields, like an unpaid internship, but still it's taxing to feel like I'm working all the time and making no money. I feel...worthless.

And who would date someone like me? I keep thinking maybe that's the last thing I need and maybe I'd have a higher overall mood. I don't think I'm magically going to be happy or anything, but just feel less like I shouldn't be here. Like I might actually feel like getting out of bed in the morning because I'll get to talk to said person and/or their friends and hopefully become friends with their friends because I really don't have any. We're just colleagues that get along together, that's all. Which is good, but still.

There's just nothing I can do to get what I want and I've always been able to get what I want, within reason of course. Maybe it's really not reasonable for someone to like me enough to date me?