I'm not sure exactly where to start..
For several months I've been depressed.. It seems like it keeps getting worse by the day.. I mean I have my good days, but they are never consecutive. I'll have like a couple of really good days.. sometimes I even think that there is nothing wrong with me but that I only had a bad day or something.. but it's not like that.
I'm not normal. I think I'm okay sometimes but i'm really not.
I went to this church trip. I learned a lot about God and I felt so at peace.. It's been a week since I got back and already I feel like crap.
I was doing well when I first got back, but I'm almost back to normal now.
I feel trapped in my house. My parents are wayy overprotective over me. I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I know that they do what they do because they love me and care about me, but I just can't take it sometimes.
And then, I also have issues with my friends.. I can't stand them anymore. All my friends from high school are annoying and I want nothing to do with them. They are superficial and fake and they just aren't good people. I guess i just want to meet some new people.. BUt that's another issue. I don't want to go out that much.. I do have times when I really, really want to go out, but it's rare.. I wish I had good supportive friends.. None of my friends know that I'm depressed.. They barely know me because I have a hard time opening up.
I remember before I was friends with the "popular group" at school. I wanted so bad to fit in with them. Ever since I was in middle school, all I ever wanted was to fit in with them. And in high school, when I finally did, I realized that being "cool" wasn't what I wanted. I realized that I wanted to be around true honest and nice people.. But I just don't think I can fit in with them. I want to be around smart people with similar interests to mine.. but I just feel like I'm not smart enough.. or that I'm not good enough. I almost feel like I'm not good enough to have anyone.
I have my ups and downs, with more downs than ups of course.
I haven't had a boyfriend in over two years.. I haven't dated in a loooooong time either. I don't know what it is. I want to date.. But I just cant. I feel gross and like every guy is too good for me.. Okay... not EVERY guy, but any guy that I would ever go out with.
I am so confused.
The guy that I dated two years ago, I only dated for several months. He told me he loved me after like a month of meeting me. I told him I did too, but of course, I didn't mean it.
I was very distant with him. He ended up moving away... I missed him so much for a really long time. It took me soooo long to get over him. And I finally did several months later. So I guess I've never been in a real serious relationship.
Sometimes i want to date so bad, but I just can't.
Every time i go out and a guy stares at me or tries to approach me, I look away, even if I am interested in him. I don't know what it is. I do have crushes on guys and stuff, but I can't date them., I can't figure out what it wrong with me.
I mean I get asked out A LOT. i'm not conceited of full of myself.. I mean if I was, I wouldn't be writing this and so afraid of dating.. I guess that's what I am.. afraid of dating. But does that make sense?
Ugghhh.
I get stared out by guys.. I've been followed around by guys.. cute guys. I've been asked out by so many guys. So many. But for some reason, i always stay away from them. I get complimented by them.. they are nice to me. You would think that I would be confident because of it.. but I'm not. I'm only confident for like 10 minutes and then I feel like crap again, and ugly.
I feel fat. I'm not that fat,really. I mean I didn't even know I wasn't skinny until a couple of months ago. I'm not fat to where I get made fun of it or remind people of fat. I'm not like that.. i can still wear small clothes. I am like a size 5-7.. I exercise. I eat well and I'm losing weight, I realize that i'm okay looking, but still it doesn't help. I don't like myself. I'm not that happy when I look in the mirror.
I don't understand why people stare at me.. I don't get it. I can't understand why anybody would be attracted to me.
I guess my self esteem sucks. If you see me, you wouldn't know it. I act like i'm confident and everything, but really, I'm not.
Maybe that's why I won't go out with anyone.. I don't know.
I think I'm also afraid of intimacy.. I've always been taught since I was little that intimacy is wrong. i mean, my parents never had the "Sex talk" with me.. And even to this day, when people kiss on TV, they change the channel when i'm in the room. I'm not allowed to watch R movies. I'm seventeen,
I/ve never seen my parents kiss. EVER.
I don't think that's normal.. is it? They've been married for like 20 years. They almost separated once,, but it didn't happen. So they still love each other, but they never show it.. its confusing.
I'm VERY confused,
I also can't accept my.. what would you call it??... Race, I guess. Well, I mean I accept it, but I can't say that I like it.
I was born in Mexico City.. But I live in florida.. for 9 years now.
I don't have any mexican friends at all... I can't stand spanish music.. I can't stand when people wear those stupid shirts with the flag on it.. I hate it.
People that meet me have no idea that I even speak spanish.. they think I'm either white, or hawaiian or even asian.. lol I act insulted, but it makes me feel better that I don't look like them. I only listen to rock music.. some pop and classic rock.. I stay away from anything that spanish people do.. I want to be so far away from them. I feel bad, but I don't know.. I don't feel comfortable in that enviroment.
I have so many issues.. I swear. The list goes on and on and on..
I mean, there are so many things that keep me from being happy ...
I wish I knew the solution. I've thought about therapy, but I don't know that i'll open up to a stranger.. I won't even open up to my "best friend" or mother. I feel like nobody cares.. Maybe because they don't. I don't even care.. I wish I could die for like a year and come back..
i feel so empty sometimes.. I feel alone and I just want to die.. I wonder what there is to live for..
I think the only reason that I am alive is because I want to go to college and travel.. I want to see the world. I want to make a difference..
I guess in the end, I think that i'll get through this,, I just don't know how.
I don't know where to start. I dont even want to start.
OKay well i'll stop moaning and complaining now.