I think you've misunderstood me. I didn't say anything about sex being a man's right, regardless of how his wife feels. I said that she should only do what she feels comfortable doing.

I read the post, and understand that she's felt used in the past. She is feeling that he's trying to pressure her again. She doesn't want any indication that she is an object of sexual fantasy. She wants to be treated with respect and dignity, and not as a "thing". All of those things are completely understandable and undeniably valid.

However, I also think that a marriage without a good sexual relationship that is beneficial for BOTH partners is, for all intents and purposes, doomed. They should have a sexual relationship that is MUTUALLY beneficial. That means that he should be considerate of her needs, and at the same time, she should be considerate of his needs.

There is no point in staying in a marriage, IMO, if one spouse is not even willing to CONSIDER that the other person has needs. He sounds like he has some issues to work through and possibly an addiction. So, she needs to decide whether she will work through those things with him, or continue to punish him for his misbehaviour.

At some point, years of issues in a marriage can only pile up so high before something has to change. Husband and wife can actively work to clear the pile, one person can try to manage the stack on their own, or both can ignore the issues until they come crashing down.

Those are choices that one or both parties make. Her choice is to either:

1) Listen to her husband's needs and try to help.
2) Listen to her husband's needs but not help.
3) Ignore her husband's needs and focus on her own needs.
4) Ask her husband to listen to her needs instead.
5) Try to work something out that would benefit both husband and wife.

It seems like she's leaning toward option #3, which is not a choice that will benefit the marriage. That's valid, and sometimes people just get tired of trying to fix a relationship and dealing with issues. That starts them down the road to divorce. If divorce is where she wants to end up, then #3 is a fine choice for her.

However, if she would rather FIX the marriage, then I think it would be better for OP to try one of the other options. OP's husband put his foot in his mouth when he said that he needed to "avail" her of her "services". That was a poor word choice and a dumb way to ask.

On the other hand, he was considerate of her the day before, and said that he didn't want her to feel used. She didn't take pity on him when he hinted patiently that he wanted her to come to him, though. So, he tried a new tactic which was outright asking, except in an oafish and insensitive way. That might have worked if he'd pulled it off with some humour and didn't dredge up her misgivings. Clearly, he failed, though.

So, it's now OPs move and what happens next is up to her. I think it's worth her considering all of her options.