I may be one of those people who should be on medication but is not. Perhaps a day will come where I can't get by but, all things must end no?

I resist medication because side effects, doctors appointments, trips to the pharmacy, and most importantly the actual effects of medication (being stable, yes) are not well tolerated by me.

I'm depressed lately, and yes I'm suffering. All I manage to do is go to work and come home. I can post here from bed. I watch a lot of tv. Try to sleep and gather my energy to fake it through another 8 hours the next day. I think terrible things but, part of me needs this.

It was a weird feeling I'd get on medication when I knew I should be depressed not just sad. Depression is awful. Depression is sometimes worse but, it doesn't last forever like that flatten stable medicated mood where nothing feels like it means anything.

Being medicated, long term, to me is like eating spaghetti with ketchup.

If I had a doctor that would simply treat the episodes as I got sick of them instead of ironing me out, we could talk.

Oh, and that 40 hours of faking it? Well, I need to work to take care of my basic needs, shelter, food, clothing. Not working would make my situation worse. Playing around with my brain might mean losing my job or setting my career back and that's the only damn thing I've got going on right now. I mean really, do you think anyone would hire me like this? Then what? Pennies on disability benefits and stigma when I return. You know pennies are not even accepted money here in Canada anymore.