Hi,

I have a question that I think only a Dominant can answer (here or through PM if that would be better). This is long, but I think this information will help to put my question in context.

I'm trying to understand why someone who is self-identified and intrinsically a Dominant would give up the possibility of the full-time D/s relationship he says he's always wanted in favor of a vanilla relationship that requires him to hide his true nature?

My ex (my Sir if you will) and I had a relationship that was rocky because neither of us would come out and say what we wanted a full-time D/s relationship. Over the last 3 years he has broken up with me and then come back several times. When we finally truly opened up to each other this Fall about what we wanted, we discovered that we wanted the same thing, but neither had expressed it explicitly, and had become frustrated because we didn't think the other cared enough.

I am a service-oriented sub. I derived great pleasure in honoring, serving, and obeying him, but I take full-responsibility for not making that more clear to him before the last few months. He is someone who is a combination protector, provider, and Master. Our relationship included D/s, as well as bondage, gags, flogging, eye mask, knife play, wax play, discipline, sensory overload and deprivation, and service. He also had my consent to engage in "non-consensual" use of my body for his pleasure. In addition he is a total br**st man who desires an Adult Nurturing/Nursing relationship (ANR) wherein I would induce lactation and he would have the right to suckle at will.

During our most recent rocky patch he decided to start seeing someone at work (This is where our not being completely honest before the last few months about what we really wanted comes in). I walked away, but he said he was trying to sort out his life and didn't want to lose me and for the first time he told me explicitly that he wanted a full-time D/s ANR. He has also told me twice in the last six months that he was thinking about asking me to move in with him, but never actually came out and did so.

I should add that one of our problems is that he moved about a 45 minutes/1 hour away from me, whereas he was only 15 minutes away when we started seeing each other. Also, one of his concerns, until we really started talking was that I wasn't submissive enough. I explained to him that because of our back and forth and me not knowing if he was going to break up with me again because I unwittingly did something to displease him I practiced self-preservation by holding back and not giving myself to him completely but that I wanted to and would if he was free. He turned 50 this year and is feeling his "mortality," and she is much younger. Also he feels that at his age he shouldn't be so consumed with his lusts, passions, and thoughts and desires for sex and getting fulfillment through a D/s relationship. Also this girl is flat chested and doesn't really do it for him physically (His words, not mine.)

Again, I take responsibility for my actions because I really want(ed) that full-time D/s ANR with him. As I finally expressed explicitly in January, he (not some abstract concept of a Dominant) is the one for me, the one I want to build a life with, serve, honor, obey, make proud, and nurse/nurture.

But all this time he kept "not-exactly" seeing his coworker. Because of that I said I wouldn't have a relationship with him because I didn't want to be a part of cheating. But we still didn't walk away from each other. But we were only a loud to communicate through email. Through all of this he was still saying that he didn't want to string me along, he would want to see me again if he wasn't in a relationship, and he wanted me in his life.

What I can see now is that he was stringing me along for the last six months in favor of this co-worker. I was being very naive. I never asked him to end that other relationship because even though I want(ed) him, I also want(ed) him to be happy even if that wasn't with me. As I told him time and again I would back off so that he would have room to let his new relationship flourish. To which he told me there was no need to back off because "it was all good."

Finally last month I came right out and expressed to him just how upset all of this drama was making me. Once again he said that he didn't know what to say and he didn't want to string me along, but he also didn't want to not know me and he asked if I thought it would be better if we stop communicating. I have always followed his lead in our relationship. (He is the man and I believe that is a man's role, and I as the woman have other roles to play in a relationship. Yes old fashioned, but true for me.) I got really frustrated with the ambiguity and wrote him that if he really wanted me in his life then he should show me even if just platonically. If we couldn't get together for a cup of tea in public, talk and text as well as email, that if I couldn't be a real part of his life again, then I was just his "secret" and "spare" and I didn't want to be reduced to email and sloppy seconds.

I had never spoken like that to him before and when I realized how disrespectful I had been I apologized. (Here I should add that I was partly stressed out because my beloved dog hadn't been well and I was feeling very upset in general and taken for granted by him because I had always been there for him and even up to me sending that email I was still happy to wait for him.).

His response is what has lead me to this post. He told me that he obviously isn't a positive part of my life and he wants us to be "people we used to know." I was floored and still am heart broken because I don't understand why he would have such a strong reaction. I have reached out to him but he said there is nothing to talk about and he wished me well. I asked him explicitly if that meant he does not want is to have contact again. His response was that "never is a long time." I asked for clarification and he never responded. I reached out to him a couple more times and no response. Just like that I had become someone irrelevant to him, who didn't warrant the courtesy of any kind of acknowledgment, even if just to say leave me alone.

After two weeks I finally wrote him to tell him I wanted to give him his things back and if he would tell me when he wouldn't be at his house I would leave his things on his porch or if I didn't hear from him, I would swing by and if his car wasn't there I'd leave them and go or if it was, I would try again another time. I also said how sorry I am that I seemed to add so much negativety to his life that he feels he needs to "unknow," erase, and ignore me; that I never meant to upset him; and that although he didn't want anything to do with me, I didn't dislike him and I wouldn't delete him, so if ever he needed anything now or years from now I would be there for him without condition or question.

He responded with a message telling me there was nothing I needed to return and to not go to all that trouble. My instinct was to write back and say "ok" or something, but I didn't and I haven't. That was almost two weeks ago.

Which gets me back o my original question. As a Dominant, given the possibility of the relationship you've always wanted, with someone you've wanted it with, i.e. a full-time D/s ANR where you didn't have to hide who you are on an intrinsic level --- one where you are free and encouraged to express your Dominance and to have a partner and sub who would gladly provide the nursing/nurturing you've always desired --- why would you throw that away for a vanilla relationship where you have to be on your best behavior and pretend not to have the kinky urges and desires you've clearly expressed that you need and want? Most of all, why would you tell this person that she is someone you don't want to know? (One more thing to add, he told me that his first marriage started falling apart when he told his ex-wife about his kinks.)

He has made his decision to cast me aside, so that isn't my question. I truly am confused about what might motivate someone to do this and if anyone out there can help me understand I would be very grateful. I know I'm no innocent or victim here and I don't hate all men or think he's some evil person. He has done what he thinks is right for him and I do and will respect that, which is why I haven't made any attempts to communicate with him since my email saying I want to return his things. But I sincerely want to understand what might be his perspective.

I feel really lost and heartbroken and keep wondering if I am such an awful and worthless person that he would prefer to recreate the very conditions (acting vanilla when one isn't) that led to his divorce when the option to live the life he says he's always dreamed of is possible. Especially since he has been the one to keep our relationship going and who has come back to me multiple times over the last 3.5 years.

None of this makes sense to me. If anyone out there would like to share any insight about their own experiences (I won't ask you to comment on this specifically, since you don't know either of us and you've only heard my side of things, which is obviously colored by how I feel and felt.) or even any comments about what I've written I would be very very grateful.

Thank you for reading this. I know it's very long.