I just don't think they would help and not gonna risk my health with side effects for minor relief.

I mean, meds are not gonna revive my father and grandparents. Meds are not gonna land me job or make me self-confident... and I doubt they'd help through interviews even.
And for what I consider spiritual/existential funk... I don't think mind altering substances would help much either.

It's all uppers and downers and hard to find the right balance... I haven't seen it work too much. And in those who claim meds "keep them alive"... I often see many problems with attitude to self and others... rather then mysterious "chemical imbalance".

I do suffer at times, I wanna die... but I don't think meds are answer. I don't believe they would help me, in my particular situation at least. I mean, a dear friend of mine told me I am somewhat avoiding dealing with my **** as it is... so I think to add something that would assist me in my avoiding would help.