I really can relate to your post. I alternate between things too, including pain enjoyment, excessive exercising (to the point of sore muscles, but it's getting harder to get sore muscles now), not eating, SI, and eating way too much chocolate. Sometimes I think that I can give up one self-destructive behavior, but it always gets replaced by another one, and then the original one comes back too, so I just have more to keep up with. You said that the idea of being "normal" scares you. That sounds familiar too. Sometimes I think I can't give up my pathologies because I would lose my identity, or because those are the only interesting things about me.

Anyway, you're not alone in having experienced those feelings. I really hope that you feel better. It doesn't have to stay that bad. Reach out to people, like you are here, but don't forget in real life too. Getting out and around people really helps. Another thing that helps is having some kind of goal for the future. What would you like to do with your life? You don't have to get there immediately, but keep that goal in mind and take a step towards it. If something makes you freak out, then maybe it is too much for now. Try to find out what it is that scares you about it (therapy can help), and back off when you need to.

Medication can help, but sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right one for you. You are right about the same medications being used for other problems besides depression, such as social anxiety, eating disorders, and even quitting smoking and PMS. If you are overweight, Welbutrin might be one to consider, as it increases energy and decreases appetite, but if you are already restricting your eating then it might not be a good choice. Different people experience various side-effects particular to the specific meds, so just keep trying until you find what is right for you.

I really hope that you feel better very soon.

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>