i just want to get some of the thoughts that have been going round in my head out somewhere so forgive me for rambling on here for a bit...

ive been having kind of a heavy week. cant get myself to focus on study and i have two assignments due in the next two days. have so much other stuff to do too.

had reiki healing the other day and the guy said i have a lot of anger about something from my early teens. ha. i dont even know what. i mean it could be so many things.

still edgy after seeing T last week. jumpy, not sleeping well but spending too much time in bed. i just cant concentrate on things. read this online today:

quote: Common Reactions to Rape Include:

Shock
Numbness
Loss of control
Disorientation
Helplessness
Sense of vulnerability
Fear
Self-blame/guilt for "allowing" the crime to happen
Feeling that these reactions are a sign of weakness

that was absolutely me the few days after. but it wasnt rape. really. am i just totally in denial?

feel like theres something sick and twisted inside. have felt like that for so long. theres something really wrong. like theres this repulsive thing. i dunno.

was meant to be out now seeing a band but cant do it. need to eat. why bother fighting all the time. for what anyway? for me?? pah.

sorry. this has degenerated into a pity party. i ll stop now.