Hi Faucet. Love your user name. I hope I can be of some help to you, though please do keep in mind that D/S relationships are...a little foreign to me (simply meaning I have no experience with them, and that it's not something I fully understand...lol not judging at all ). That being said, I may not be able to fully grasp and incorporate the aspects of that into my answer to you, though I still do think I can give some input.

To me, it seems ultimately that the key issue here is HIM, not you. While it seemed to me you two had some communication difficulties in the beginning, once that was rectified, you did everything in your power to make the relationship work. You were, based on everything you posted, the driving force in communication and reconciliation in your relationship. Even when you were "disrespectful" (which believe me, you were NOT. I understand, albeit vaguely, the sub to dom aspect, but even then, demanding respect is a very simple and necessary part of any relationship, vanilla or otherwise), YOU were the one who tried to redress issues in the relationship. To me, it seems his focuses weren't on you...which is, in my humble opinion, ridiculously stupid on his part. He desired a d/s relation as much as you did, and you did everything in your power to provide that for the both of you (I mean honestly...I don't know the anatomical implications behind it, but you induced lactation for him? I'd call that dedicated). Though you are right in saying that we only have your side of things, I would tell you that you are incorrect in saying he is the one to keep the relationship going. A healthy relationship needs trust, honesty, and communication. You, I think, provided much more of that than he did to you.

What is ultimately clear to me is that he shunned an ideal relationship for some fling...as to why? I can't think of a logical rationale for that, try as I may. What I would tell you though is that, hard as it is, he has done you a favor in the long run. As willing and as dedicated as you were to making that relationship work, you deserve someone who is as dedicated and respectful to the relationship as you are. In that guy, you didn't have that. You deserve better. I think his behavior to you is incredibly callous and entirely unwarranted.

Furthermore, please understand that this is nothing you have done wrong. This is him. All him. You are not an "awful or worthless" person, by any means. You've done nothing wrong. Please, if you take nothing else away from this post, do take that.

I do hope I was of some help. I know it hurts...I've been cheated on before twice. I'd leave you in parting by saying that simply by virtue of you wanting the relationship in spite of that makes you a better and more dedicated person than I could hope to be. I tried to work past cheating once...lol do believe me when I say you have done better than I.

Take care, and know I wish you all of my best (and I do hope that your dog is doing okay...I know how painful sickness of a pet can be).

Hugs,
Harley

PS: I do hope you don't mind me asking, but...as I mentioned, D/S relationships are not something I'm well versed in, and given so many people have posts here regarding them, I try to learn as much as I can. Helps me help others. Usually, I gain perspective simply by reading the posts, but occasionally things simply fly over my head. That said, and please do forgive my curiosity...is "knife play" what it sounds like? I'm sorry to ask...lol I'd google, but I'm on my college connection, and with the DNS blocks in place, quarantines strictly enforced, and me absolutely not buying the whole "we don't monitor your web surfing" caveat, I really don't trust my computer to answer that for me.