Yes Adam that's the other aspect of what I'm trying to sort out and why I don't hate him or think he's evil. I definitely think he's been emotionally manipulative, but his motivation is self-preservation, rather than true cruelty. AND I also think he's afraid of what he wants AND that he's probably lying to himself. I believe and know that sometimes nothing is scarier than the possibility of getting what we've always wanted and so it can be easier to run in the opposite direction. Hence my ambivalence and unwillingness to cast him as the evil villain. This may sound odd, but a good chunk of me just feels sad for him because he's decided to actively deny who he is and wants. I can understand the impulse to want to fit into the vanilla world, but I can't see how anyone can turn off such specific desires and needs. It's like with his ex-wife. He's told me that I am his ideal woman. The thing is that his ex wife and I are total opposites --- I mean total. Yet here he is again pursuing someone who is the opposite of his ideal and establishing a relationship with someone who won't be able to meet his most fundamental primal needs. At the same time he is holding me to a standard that no one could possibly meet.