I've recently come to the realization that there are two strong, battling forces within me-the will to live and the will to die.

My entire life, I have been very afraid of death. I remember as a child being afraid to close my eyes and sleep, for fear that I wouldn't wake up. The summer between high school and college, I became convinced that I had cancer (I was fine; just a hypochondriac). I was so upset over this because I thought that I was going to lose my life.

But there is also a force within me that desperately wants to die. I have a million reasons why I should end everything right now. I've stood on window ledges and shoved pills in my mouth. I've written (or at least started writing) 3 notes expressing my final goodbye in the past year and a half.

The death force gets me to climb on to the ledge. The life force stops me from jumping and gets me to climb down. For 21 years, the life force has been stronger (usually much) than the death force, but now, the will to die is finally starting to rival the will to live.

I know that I would be better off dead, but the life force is still within me, chaining me to life with fear of death.

I'm sure that I'm not the only bipolar person fighting this inner battle. Do any of you also have a part of yourself that strongly wants to live and another part that strongly wants to die?