Dear all,

Since May of 2011, I have been seriously struggling with Type I bipolar disorder. I was in and out of four mental hospitals from the time I was first diagnosed on New Years in 2012 until I was let out of my last visit ever, August 1, 2012.

I am writing this, because I am terribly frustrated... I cannot seem to be stable and healthy for more than a month or so since I had my first depressive episode in May 2011. My illness is like this, I get terribly depressed and sometimes suicidal. I use food and sometimes drugs and alcohol to cope with my feelings (although I'm 7 months sober in AA). I feel life is worth living after a life change (a hospital stay, new school, etc). I ride a good, stable wave for several months and I lose the weight. I finally reach or exceed my desired weight. Then, something happens and lose my routine. I get depressed after an event that really wasn't unexpected or big a deal at all. I eat and eat and eat.

That's where I am at right now. I thought I was over with my bipolar symptoms, but I guess not. At least I'm not drinking or drugging... But, I cannot keep gaining and losing weight. It's embarrassing. I used to play varsity college sports. It's hard to lose weight and I do not want to keep doing it my whole life. I need to learn how to manage my depression without using food to cope. It's a negative circle I get depressed, I eat, I get depressed because I get fat, I eat because I'm fat.

Will I ever be able to learn how to manage my depression without food? I used AA mainly for a food addiction, but now I can't. I relapsed in my mind, but on food, not alcohol.