Its hard for me to admit that I have depression, though I have been diagnosed as having mild depression, but being good at masking my symptoms. My mother has severe depression and has often been not the best mother to me due to it. She even went as far to attempt suicide as I was visiting over Christmas and blamed me for it. I hate to think I would have anything in common with her that would make me act like that.

I've been in a bit of a funk this week due to losing one of my jobs, not being able to get funding for academic trips, and being friendzoned by a romantic interest. Its also hard because I feel unable to bond with or like most people. Last night was just awful.

I finally gathered enough courage to read some heavy poetry at a reading last night. Almost no one was there, though. I had a hard time reading because I was so nervous and shaking my papers. I bought a beer for my crush and he forgot that we joked that I would surprise him with one when we had dinner a couple of weeks ago. Its hard watching him bond with others with I want to bond with him and there's no one else.

My friends and I were walking to a party afterwards and I started crying. They cared enough to ask what was up, but no one could be bothered to suggest going home and talking. It hurts, because I always stay with them when they are sad, even if there are other things happening. At the party, I was so disinterested in everyone and so over the stupid party scene. I knew that no one knew would talk to me because when you're sad, you give an unapproachable vibe.

I went home and bawled for hours. Fortunately, I have a wonderful, understanding friend who talked me through it via text. I cried and cried and drank by myself. I can't say that this is an unusual occurrence. I even smoked in my room because I couldn't be bothered to leave it. When I ran out of booze, I laid in bed until I finally fell asleep. I could hear my roommates come home, laugh, and have sex. I cried because I was sad that I'm not able to do the same.

After a night of vivid dreams, I'm up. I have a friend visiting from GR and a huge paper to write. I have no motivation for either. I hate that I'm so lonely here. I've never been so lonely in my life. I feel like my university and my future are friends that betrayed me.

I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to get better. I don't know what to do. I can't help but wonder if there is a more severe mental illness going on in my head. Help =[