i just had a huge row with my dad, and hes been drinking. he gets violent when hes been drinking and i think at one point he was going to hit me. he had that look in his face, that ive seen before, like when him and my mum use to fight and punch eachother.

this is how the arguement began:

this christmas coming, 10 people out of my family (including my dad and i) were due to go on holiday to scotland to a cottage. well 2 people had to pull out tonight because they couldnt get the time off work, so my dad rang my uncle and started shouting at him down the phone, effing and swearing at him for reasons unknown. so my uncle said "well if you are going to talk to me like that im not going" so 4 more people have pulled out because of my dads attitude. so i tried to explain to my dad that he cant talk to people like that if he wants a solution, it will just upset them and mturn them against him. so he got all stressty with me and we began arguing. at some points i thought he was going to lash out! but he didnt thankfully.

my brother (the coward he is) decided to go out as soon as the arguement started so he left me to deal with my drunken dad who was angry. typical.

my dad has stormed off to continue drinking now and ive locked myself in my room. but im feeling all unhappy now. i feel down. i feel lonely and i feel like im the only person in the whole world who tries to sort situations out, and im sure if it wasnt for me things would be alot worse!!

and my "best friend" has just fallen out with her bboyfriend and i helped them get back together earlier by talking to them (this happened before the arguement) and so they are back to normal, and happy with eachother. they obviously love eachother which i could tell so i had to work at helping them. well, i say "them", i helped her. i havent spoken to the bf so i cant say i helped them, i just helped her! i was here for her when she needed me and now i wont hear from her again because she is happy and she only talks to me when she has a problem.

but when i was comforting her earlier, i was telling her she deserves to be happy etc, which is true. she does. but then when they were back together, i sat back and thought "i wish i had that, i wish i had that safety of a relationship" and then i got really down. then i had the arguement with my dad and now i feel worse. i just feel alone and i feel like all ive had in my life is fighting and unhappiness, and i kind of thought maybe i deserved to be loved by a woman, but im not. and im lonely. and i feel like im a parent to a child, in the form of my dad. and im constantly on edge worrying what will happen next and i wonder how much hes drank and i wonder what tomorrow will bring. and it all gets me down. and it makes me feel lonely and i have no friends to turn to, no partner, no one. and i just feel like im slipping again into the slump i was in last week that i worked so hard to drag myself out of.

i was really looking forward to the holiday at christmas, i havent had a proper holiday since last year and what with the way ive been feeling lately i just need to get away.

sorry, i just have to vent. im fed up of living this life, of having a corrupt family. what with my brother sexually abusing me, my mum drinking herself to death, my dad a violent alcoholic, a sister who tried to stab my dad whilst on drugs one day, and then theres me. a sad pathetic little kid stuck. i just wish somebody would notice me and treat me how i want to be treated. to love me. to care for me. to treat me. to hug me when im low. all those things i just lack and i hate it! i really hate it. theres never been love in my life, all there is is hate and violence. i just wish i had a friend i could go to when i needed to. but instead i have to lock myself away in my room and hope he calms down. luckily hes never hit me but sometimes i think he will. but never mind ay! he will be alright tomorrow im sure.

thanks for listening.

simon