I have a dream that there is still hope for me----I try to tell myself that I have managed to live this long, I have two healthy grown children and my first marvelous grandchild, I have my physical health which seems ridiculous but could be related to running my *** off at most jobs I've done (not the two I have now but...I could change that...) and eating plain food mostly, when I remember to eat---or feel like it. (and sometimes I LOVE it)------for a long time, outside of home, I could hide in plain sight...not so much anymore, don't have the energy and one job brings hopelessness because the management is f*d...too bad, I still see such potential for good work there but I've been around too long to think it will change. I need a break. I need to make things, move, and get rid of this box of rain (gratis g dead)----
If I don't make progress in the next couple of years, I think I have decided, I really am just going to abandon the place and go-------------the thought of running away lifts my spirits---------------I remember things I have done and recall I did spend some lovely days off in the woods alone last summer and some fun times in nyc (grew up around there) in the past few years with friends----and daughter---
And, as hankster says, life wants to live------I wonder what it is that wants to spiral down... (like hankster, i began as, i thought, pretty happy and full of energy and plans and was struck down suddenly late teens/early twenties----almost got back out again and then...I don't recognize me sometimes----it was also a long time ago and there was little information and less than little help (and I did move to a rural area)---I remember searching books looking to find out "what is wrong with me?"---I like to think it at least made me a more realistically compassionate person who learned that life was not easy---not sure I'm grateful that it brought with it memories of childhood that I had completely blocked and the loss of the idea that it was "just me" that had a problem...
"...I'm blue but I won't be blue always/The sun's gonna shine in my backdoor someday...)
Blues music helps too.