I am totally defeated and see no way to improve my life. There is only one thing that I want and that is to get well. There is no cure for CPTSD. There is no cure for being gay. (Claimed religious cures are totally bogus and the people who claim they are true are lying.) There is no cure for the incessant bullying I have suffered from my entire life beginning with a man hating mother. I feel that I am less than human. I cannot do things like other people. I cannot make friends. I do not seek or enjoy love. I don't like to be touched. I do not know how to have fun. Therapy is torture. I have had a lot of therapy and there has been little improvement because of the way I was programmed in childhood.

The med that was helping my PTSD had too many side-effects. The new med does not appear to be helping and today I am full of rage. Worse - I have to go to a family event tonight. I am dreading it. I want to stay home. I want to be alone all the time. I don't enjoy anything anymore.

All my relatives give the same advice "take care of your mother." As if my life is unimportant. It's all I've heard since childhood. I want to tell them all to go to hell.